Recesses of Heart – Kelly’s Open Diary

I did the unthinkable today. The one thing that every single girl friend you have will tell you to never do. The one thing that your friends will literally steal your phone, your laptop, your tablet, your iPod, and every other source to the internet that you have just so that you DON’T do what I did today… I’ll give you three guesses as to what it is…

No?

Nothing?

I checked my ex-boyfriend’s facebook…

Now, not only does checking your ex boyfriend’s facebook do wonders for your self-esteem and emotional infrastructure, but his Facebook decided to give me an extra punch in the gut as it posted, where everyone can see, “In A Relationship” with the heart icon and everything.

Now, I’m going to get this out first, so that I can get to the actual point of this post: My first “ex-boyfriend” (in high school) was a disrespectful scumbag who I was naive enough to think loved me. After a month, he fell off the face of the planet and never even talked to me again. The man who’s facebook I checked today did the exact same thing to me that my first boyfriend did. He legitimately stopped talking to me. Fell off the face of the planet. One second it was open communication and telling me everything, and the next day I was completely shut out and never to be responded to again. You can imagine how “damaged” I probably am in regards to my emotional state when dealing with these things.

Needless to say, let’s get to the point here…

I’m human. I’m just like the rest of you who have insecurities, and faults, and are completely and utterly messed up on the inside, especially when you try to compare yourself to people who seem to have it all together. Let’s put it this way: I’m. Not. Perfect. I never was, never am, and never will be perfect.

I will tell you that the first thing that went through my mind when I saw that relationship status was “Why was I never good enough?” and that is an absolutely HORRIBLE question to have running through your mind because it brings this onslaught of negative emotions and self-mutilating thoughts. You begin drowning in this sea of “WHY?!” and “WHAT IF…?!” and you circle down this spiral until you get to the lowest point you allow yourself to be… I call this spot the Point of Detonation.

“Detonation: to explode with suddenness and violence.”

I’ve been down the spiral to this Point of Detonation enough times to know that it was coming, and that I was either going to have to force myself to rise from the ashes or I was going to be crippled by the explosion of emotions. By some miracle of miracles, I somehow apparently created a new path for myself by asking myself this question: “Why?”

“What do you mean WHY?! What the heck kind of question is that?!”

A very, very important one…

Why did I still feel the need to check his facebook? Why did I allow my insecurities to take over my emotional well-being? Why do I feel like I am not good enough for him? Why do I constantly do this to myself?

We all ask ourselves these questions every once in a while. Why do we do this to ourselves?! And I realized that the answer is so very simple…

We’re human, and humans want to feel loved. It’s natural for us to greet attention openly and revel in it. It’s important for us to socialize and to make sure we feel included. It’s in our nature to feel like we have to be needed by someone in order to feel like we are good enough for ourselves… because if someone else can’t love us, how could we possibly love ourselves?

I know that the saying goes, “If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?” In theory, this is very true, but in reality, most of us have a very hard time loving ourselves if we feel no one else finds something within us worthy enough to love, too. But why is this? Why do we degrade ourselves so much during those first couple of minutes when we feel like we were never good enough? It’s like we punish ourselves for not being someone else’s version of perfection and that’s not okay! Because we’re not perfect… we’re not meant to be…

I am a work-a-holic. I have very little time for people in my life. I leave clothes and bags all over the place because I’m constantly running in and out of my house. I’m lazy. I’m an introvert. I push people away when I’m hurt. I’m afraid of confrontation. It bothers me when people leave the vacuum wire wrapped messily. I have three dressers filled with clothes. I live by my emotions, not by my logic. And I. am. insecure.

I’m going to reiterate this, because this is important: I am not perfect. Neither are you… or you… or you… or the person creepily reading this over your shoulder… None of us are perfect and the worst crime that we commit against ourselves is expecting perfection and allowing punishing thoughts to creep into our minds when we believe that we’re not reaching the correct level of perfection. It’s OKAY to not be perfect. It’s okay to not be wanted, or cherished, or loved by anyone else because YOU should love YOU. No one else… because no one else needs to be involved in the judgments that you lay upon your body, mind, emotions, heart, etc. No one knows you. No one understands your story and your struggles like you do and THAT is what is important! You need to understand yourself, and love yourself based on those imperfections. You don’t need anyone else to do that for you.

Maybe, yeah, it feels nice to be loved by someone else and it feels wonderful to be needed, but maybe it’s time that I need me. Maybe it’s time that you should need you, rather than someone who claims they want you. Maybe… just maybe… loving ourselves is enough to last us for a while… because no one else knows your flaws, imperfections, and absolute beauty like you do. You can scale the mountains, cross all of our oceans, and even get yourself on to The Bachelorette if you so choose, but you will never find someone who could possibly understand you better than your own self.

I know that I have difficulties dealing with my insecurities, especially when I’m being ignored and shut out… but I also know that this specific difficulty stems from my first boyfriend, and the hope that I loved someone enough that they would stay. I did nothing wrong. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t what either of them needed. I just wanted to love someone and be loved back. Was that so difficult to ask of anyone?

Was that so difficult to ask of myself?

I keep getting questioned on what my New Years Resolution will be for 2016, and I think I finally have it:

In 2016, I will pay attention to my wants, my needs, my goals. I will spend time with myself and get to know myself on a personal level that no one has ever known before. I will chase away all self-mutilating thoughts and insecurities. I will pick myself up when I fall. I will accept my faults. I will strive for perfection and continue to love myself, even when I don’t reach it. I will allow myself to make mistakes, and I will forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made. I will love myself unconditionally and treat my MIND, BODY, and HEART as such.

I know that I’m not the only person who struggles with insecurities and imperfection, so I’m challenging you all to take this resolution with me. A new year, a new start, a new you. Love yourself, because despite all of your flaws, you are someone worth the care and devotion of a king. Don’t wait for Mr. or Mrs. “Right” to come along in order to find your acceptance. Love yourself, because no one else could love you better… love yourself… because you are worth it…

Here’s to a happy, healthy, and selfish 2016!

All my love,

❤ Kelly

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18 thoughts on “Recesses of Heart – Kelly’s Open Diary

  1. Kellyyyy <333 I can relate to this feeling SO much, you have no idea. I think we are all forever looking for belonging, and sometimes we settle for less than what we deserve or we change ourselves to fit someone else's version of perfection, like you said…

    I'm proud of you for getting to this place where you can make the decision to love and cherish yourself, instead of tearing yourself apart. It's so hard to do. I struggle with it all the time and most days I just have to remind myself to fake it until I make it, until loving myself comes so naturally that it feels like breathing. Sometimes it starts with simply being aware of how often you pick yourself apart each day. I know that every time I say something self-deprecating, even if I'm just joking around, I get a little mental shock and I have to wonder why I'm treating myself this way. It makes me want to be kinder and to respect myself more, because if I think about myself like that, then I'm giving others permission to do the same.

    Anyway I love this post so much and I have so much more to say but this comment is already turning into a novel. I'm here for you if ever you want to talk & know that you have my support on your journey toward loving yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I completely agree, hun. When I was younger, I struggled with bullying because I was chubbier and extremely shy. My screaming voice then is my talking volume now. I couldn’t make friends, because I was this bushy haired, slightly overweight tomboy that the girls didn’t really want to associate with and who never talked to me anyways. I had a very hard time telling any of my friends that I even felt that way. I still, to this day, find it very hard to stand up for myself when I’m being treated badly and there are a few times where I’ve even convinced myself that maybe it’s my fault.

      I’m a lot stronger now than I’ve ever been, but I still struggle with body image and self-confidence in that way. I’m skinny and fit. I may have a couple extra pounds on me, but it’s nothing I should be ashamed of. I still look in the mirror and half the time see the chubby, bushy haired little girl who used to get bullied and left out of everything.

      We all have our own struggles, and this one is apparently mine.

      Like

  2. Kelly, while I agree with you that NO ONE IS PERFECT, I do have to say that you are pretty amazing. You helped me to come out of my shell and join a writing group, which I am thankful to this day. You have made incredible strides in your career path. You give so much to the book community, whether it be your movie nights, your blog posts, or just your bubbly self. You are amazing!

    That being said, I love your resolution. I will try my hardest to join you in it, too. I deal with depression and it’s a daily struggle to keep my head above water. One aspect of my depression is absolutely self-hate and your words really spoke to me. Kelly, together, we can do this. 2016 is going to be a great year!

    Love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have no idea how much this really means to me. It’s so funny because I wanted to be a teacher to help people and do the best that I can to make the world a better place. I think I’ve recently found out that I have a lot more influence and abilities to help people going through the publishing world and down this career path than I ever did teaching. It really means a lot and touches my heart hearing you say that I in some way helped you because that’s all I ever really want to do.

      We can definitely do this! Thank you for taking the pledge with me! And if you ever need someone to help you find your love of yourself again, please come to me! I’d love to have a buddy to go through all of this with! I understand the daily struggle, and I’m here if you need a buddy as well!

      Like

  3. This was such an amazing, open, honest letter to the universe. You are absolutely correct when you say that everyone feels that way. Insecurity is natural. Just be yourself to the best of your ability and try not to worry about everyone else. As for your Ex, not your circus, not your monkeys. 😀

    *big hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Definitely not my monkeys! =P Ha! I appreciate the amazing support thought. I wrote this hoping that it would connect with people and that I’d be able to help someone else by voicing my own concerns and insecurities. I’m glad that you can relate to it. I’ve found that I’ve been changing a lot with my career changes in the last year, but I honestly couldn’t be happier with myself, and my confidence seems to be at an all time high. Everyone else be damned. I’m taking the world by storm. 😉 Are you coming with me?!

      Like

  4. I did the same thing a couple days ago. I haven’t talked to my ex in a couple years, but he is still the one I compare all guys to. He has been dating this other chick for a while now so I checked his FB to see if they got engaged, but his profile is no longer on there. Her page is limited, but I didn’t see anything about him so I don’t know what the deal is. I don’t know why I feel the need to check his page. You deserve happiness and you don’t need validation from anyone. Those guys were douchebags for leaving you high and dry but everything happens for a reason. You are meant for something better 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s the worst feeling. I hate that! And you always punish yourself because you feel worse AFTER you check it, and then you just feel like you’re hitting rock bottom. I HATE that feeling, and I completely understand! And you don’t even know why you do it, because you know it’s just going to bring you pain. You deserve happiness too, and you definitely don’t need validation from an ex that you are amazing and gorgeous, inside and out! You’ll find your happiness with someone else another day, but for now, know that you deserve to be happy with yourself and that you are meant for a life so much better than what could have been. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so happy to hear that you can relate. I always post these in the hopes that others can relate, and that I can help at least one person who reads this. We all ask ourselves those questions and we all have flaws. It doesn’t mean we’re not beautiful and loved. =) Thank you for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so happy to hear that!!! I really appreciate it, as this is one of my favorite features to post and my way of just kind of letting it all go. I’m glad I can reach out to other people and connect through this!!! I appreciate you reading too. =)

      Hahaha, I swear that WordPress is sneaky like that. It just deletes followers and such, I swear!!! =P

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: It’s Our 1 Year Blogiversary! *GIVEAWAY* | Live, Love, Read

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